...is something I hear a lot.  It doesn't give me much of a starting point, but I'm up for the challenge.  Here are some general instructions on what to do first when you computer is not acting like it should, is slow, or I just told you to start here.  Jump right in:

 

 

*Note: I'm using Windows 7.  You might not be.  That's OK, these direction will work fine, your screens will look a little different.

**Note to the Note: If you get any "Are you sure..." prompts with the fancy Cancel or Allow buttons, hit Allow as requested.

***Note to the person reading these notes, the person writing these notes has just been sacked.

Let's start by resetting Internet Explorer.  Surprisingly simple, surprisingly effective:

• Control Panels - Internet Options - Advanced tab - hit the big Reset button.  If it warns you or asks if you are sure, go for it.
  
  

It can take anywhere from a few seconds to a sandwich to complete depending on how much crap it has saved that you don't need.  Usually a minute or two.

Next, we're going to download and use two separate programs.  The first is called CCleaner; it is free.  CCleaner is a simple program that cleans out all of the temporary crap your computer is kind enough to save for you and leave laying around.  We do this first so that our second scan completes much faster since it doesn't have to scan all this crap.  Start to finish, five minutes, tops.

1. Click this link to start the download of CCleaner from ccleaner.com
2. Double click the downloaded file to install it, slow down a second:
   1. Next
   2. I Agree
   3. Next
   4. Wait.  Before hitting Next, uncheck to box for install and use the Yahoo! toolbar.  To hell with their toolbar!
      
      
   5. Next
   6. Install
   7. Finish (leave the run ccleaner now box checked to run it now)
3. Hit the Run Cleaner button.  If it warns you about deleting files, hit OK.  We want to be rid of those files.
   
   
4. Once you get the CLEANING COMPLETE message you are done with CCleaner.  Close it and let's move on.
   
   

Now for the real workhose, Malwarebytes.  MBAM, for short, is the best PC booger cleaner available.  Period.  I won't discuss or debate this matter with you.  Your McAffee, Norton, AVG, etc. all suck.  SUCK.  That's how you got in to this mess, remember?  5-45 minutes

1. Click this link to start the download of Malwarebytes AntiMalware from download.com.
2. Double click the downloaded file to install it.  This one's safe, OK, Next, I Accept, Next, Next, Next....Install
3. If it asks you to restart, do it. (You'll have to double click the shortcut on your desktop to run it before step 5)
4. If it asks you to update then launch Malwarebytes, do that.
5. Once MBAM is open, click Scan Now to, well, scan now.  The Quick Scan is fine for now.
   
   
6. When the scan completes, hit View Results.
7. Now hit Remove Selected.
8. Close the stupid log file it opens in notepad.
9. Restart if it asks you to.  DO AS YOU'RE TOLD!

That's it!  If you got this far you have, at the very least, cleaned all of the crap out of your computer.  Restart your computer and see how it acts.  If it still isn't right, it's time to contact me with some more information and I'll help all that I can.

Homework time!  When you go to bed tonight (or if it still acts like crap), go back through the Malwarebytes steps and select Full Scan.  This scan is more better, but it will take a lot lot lot lot lot longer.  Depending on how much crap you have on your computer, this scan could take several hours.